Sunday, March 13, 2011
What they DON'T tell you about giving your life to God..
The past couple days I have gotten many variations of the same question..
"Is something wrong?"
"Are you okay?"
At first I just answered, "Eh.. I guess I'm just tired." I have been on spring break, yes. But I'd spent a couple days looking for jobs in Chicago, a couple days in meetings, and been trying to squeeze social, family and maid of honor/bridesmaid commitments in there too! I definitely am tired!
Do they give a break on spring break for 26-year old seniors?
Then I thought, "Perhaps I'm a bit overwhelmed too.." Getting so close to the day I will graduate (finalllllly) and trying to decipher all the wrinkles I need to iron out before I do. Navigating a job search, collecting reference letters and maintaining a resume, all while keeping up with my hardest semester yet. I have a lot on my plate! Of course I'm overwhelmed.
But then I shut up for a minute (you're shocked, I know!) and realized something.
Although I am tired and I am overwhelmed, there's something more that's eating away at me and making me feel anxious. And I know exactly what it is.
My life is in God's hands. I've given God the reigns. I let Jesus take the wheel.
That song makes the experience sound so pleasant, doesn't it?
Well that is crap!
It's the hardest thing ever! I'm anxious, annoyed and even fearful. I feel out of control and close to giving up. I just want to do what everyone else does.. Get a job that pays well, an apartment that I can't afford and invest in some Pottery Barn. Can't God just get out of the way and let me do the thing that will make me happy now? The thing that doesn't push me out of my comfort zone? (Sigh) If only God was as smart as me..
Peter Kreeft, who I adore like a school-girl does Justin Bieber (didn't think you'd hear those two in the same sentence today, did ya?) said in his book Fundamentals of the Faith;
"But there is an obstacle to 'thy kingdom come', and it is 'my kingdom come'. For instance, it is absurdly hard to begin to pray, to put aside our many things and turn to the one thing necessary. That turning must be done again and again. It is the easiest thing in the world to understand and the hardest thing in the world to do, this simple turning of our attention and our will to God, saying 'thy will be done' and meaning it with all our heart. But it absolutely must be done. It is what we were made for, and Love will not settle for anything less. There are no side roads or shortcuts up this mountain ... To will God's will is not a matter of will power but of will, not trying to do it but doing it. Scripture hardly ever uses the word try but very often uses the word trust. Willing is choosing, committing, saying Yes. The thing is so simple and fundamental that there is no perfect word in the language for it except yes."
Well, I'm not giving in. Despite my anxious thoughts, I'm still choosing to trust in Him, knowing that He will put me exactly where I need to be. I'm reminding myself that I'll probably end up thrilled in the very place I swore I'd never go, and I'm looking forward to the peace I'll have when I'm carrying out His will.
Does it turn out better than you can ever imagine? Absolutely. But if anyone tells you that the journey's soundtrack is the following, they're nuts! :)